2 Months

Hi there Nadia mine,

Yesterday was 2 months since we said goodbye to you.  It was also the thanksgiving celebration for our family.  I got to hold and play with your cousin Olivia.  I think you and she would have been great friends.  She has such amazing personality.  But I teared up every time I got to hold her.  It was bittersweet, to say the least.

I should have been 29 weeks pregnant this week.  I should be starting to feel huge and complaining about my back and my feet.  I should be working on putting your nursery together and filling out paperwork to take maternity leave and anticipating the time after Christmas rather than thinking this is going to be the longest winter ever. 

:(

I love you, baby girl.  To the moon and back,

Mommy

I don't really have a lot of faith in Doctors

I know you already know this, but you were definately a girl.  We got the records from the hospital and the autopsy (which was done by 10:00 am on the morning of the 27th!!) clearly showed you had a normal uterus, et. al.  It's nice to know that had you been born you wouldn't have had all these reproductive issues that mommy has.  And to know for sure that you are my Nadia is a relief.  I can't believe no doctor mentioned this to me, espeically so I could have completed the death certificate before we left the hospital.  It's frustrating...

NaBloPoMo

I've been doing National Blog Posting Month at my regular, every day blog.  If you happen upon here and get confused about something because I'm only referencing a certain part of my life here, head over there... http://pagesofunknown.wordpress.com/

Never too Small to Leave Footprints on Our Hearts

On things that help and things that don't

When I started this blog it helped me so much reading the stories of women who had lost a baby and been in my shoes.  But now, as I read the blogs of women who are still struggling with the loss, I find myself somewhat angry.  They bring up the holidays and how hard that will be not being pregnant or not having their baby or they bring up what they are or aren't doing in order to deal with the grief.  And I get angry that I'm going into the holidays not pregnant and scared out of my mind that after loosing Nadia, I'm going to loose Johnna, too.  I would never, EVER say that a woman who's gone through the agony of a baby loss has any type of perfect life, but I can't help but be jealous of the fact that they can dwell on their loss or can grieve because they aren't going through something as equally or more traumatic within weeks of their loss... life doesn't slow down for anyone, but this stacking of crap upon crap?  It's pissing me off...

One Month

Nadia, baby mine...

I'm so sorry I missed talking to your on your one month angelversary... mommy's been so busy this week.  With trying to get back into the work mode, all the issues with your aunt Johnna and the minor-but-important issues with your uncle Dan this week has been one major thing after another.  But I hope you know that doesn't mean that I didn't think about you almost every other thought on Wednesday... like I do most days anyway.

I love you so much and miss you every day.

To the moon and back again,

Mommy

It's been 4 weeks

Hey there Little One,

We found out today that they couldn't do the chromosonal testing because they couldn't grow out the chromosones.  They didn't get to you in time to get them.  So we're going with the visable signs that you were a girl... I think your big brother/sister will forever remain Angel Baby, but you, forever shall be Nadia Anne Hamilton.

I found out about your tests after having a rather emotional appointment with your Aunt Johnna.  The tests from last week show that the cancer is back and not just in her lungs.  She has to go into the hospital tomorrow for a chest tube for the plural effusion.  It was not a good day in regards to news from doctors for us today...

I had braced myself for not getting answers from the chromosonal testing.  But I didn't expect they would not even been able to try.  And it didn't occur to me that they wouldn't be able to tell me 100% that my little girl is my little girl.  I miss you so much, little one.  So much my heart literally aches... I can't handle the hurt right now.  I have to focus on Aunt Johnna.  I hope you understand.  And I hope that I can stay sane through all this. 

I love you to the moon and back again,

Mommy

Update

I'm struggling today with a lot of things...

1.  My cousin had her baby.  I'm SO happy for her, but everytime I see a new picture or update my heart aches so badly.  I really want to hold and dress and feed and love on my little one...

2.  Pregnant friends are finding out genders and posting about how difficult or non-difficult pregnanies are, and my heart aches every time.

3.  With Johnna's cancer back, it gives me something else to focus on.  And I'm conflicted about that, because in a way I see that as a good thing... how much does THAT suck...

Hey there Little One

Hey there Little One,

Mommy's missing you a lot today.  I only have a week and a half to get my head back on straight before I have to go to work.  And I've been really trying hard to get there.  But today your Aunt Johnna went into the hospital.  They're afraid that her cancer has had more metastasises in her lungs.  She's in a lot of pain and it makes me so very sad.  And Grandma has spent more time in the hospital than anyone should in the last few weeks, especially when she's not being able to do much to help.  And she's probably going to lose her new job because of all this.

If  you could mention to God up there that I'm humbled He has such faith in what I, and the rest of our family, can handle. I'd appreciate it.  But really, I most need Him to know that we all still need Aunt Johnna down here still.  That would be amazing.

I love you angel baby and I can't wait to hold you once again.  Know I will always hold you in my heart.

Love

Mommy

Names

I realize that I haven't really spoken about the meaning of this blog's name.  It's actually a combination of the two names we have picked out for the baby.  Since we don't have a name until the chromosonal testing confirms that she's a girl, we had both a girl name and a boy named picked out.  Neither is the name we had picked out for the baby as both of those names have significant familial meaning and we didn't want to use those names and have them forever connected to our dead baby.  So we picked out some names that had meaning for the situation we were going through. 

Nadia Anne:  Nadia has always been in my list of names for girls I like.  Nadia means "hope".  Anne is a family name.
Dominic Davis:  Dominic means "belongs to God" and as we knew that from the very moment our child entered the world s/he would belong to God it was perfect.  Davis is a family name.

Thus the name of this blog.  Whether it's a boy or girl, the fact of the matter is s/he was a hope for us and s/he now belongs to God.  Whether I want that or not, whether I except that every moment of every day or not...