Hey, Nadia ... good tidings to you, our little sunbeam. I noted your mama's last post to you; she misses you very much (and always will ... I lost your Uncle Jon over 28 yrs ago and I still miss him, but it's better than at first); but she's also getting better at moving forward with this life down here. The only thing that keeps us going is the knowledge that you are in a wonderful place with our Heavenly Father.

I love the way your mama writes to you as though you understand as a grown up and, because you are with our Father, you probably know WAY more about everything than we know about anything! (I spoke to your mother as tho she was a grownup when she was a baby!) But, because I agree with her that you understand and because I believe both of you understand me, I want to share the following with you (some time ago, God led me to this little book called "A Pocketful of Promises for Women" and it has letters from God, based on things from His Word):

(Re Loss)

"My Precious Child ...

During this difficult time of loss, do not think you are alone. I am with you in your sadness. I want to carry you in your sorrow. You don't have to put on a brave face. Please come to me in your pain because I long to hold you and comfort you. I am as close to you as your breath. I love you dearly.

Your Heavenly Father"

Jeremiah 31:13
I will comfort them and turn their sorrow into happiness.
Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because he has inclined His ear to me, therefore, I will call upon him as long as I live.

(Re Future)

"My Daughter ..

I have wonderfully planned your future, and I have filled your life with potential and purpose. My prayer is that you would look to your future with as much pleasure and expection as I do. My plans are for you to succeed and bring into existence all you were destined for.

Hope with earnest expectation for all I have for you. Your future is in My hands and it can happen as I have dreamed. I love you.

Almighty God"

Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Habakkuk 2:3
At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time, but keep on waiting - it will happen!

Psalm 23:6
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

If I imagine that the letter is really from God and directly to me, it gives me joy, especially since I know the Bible DOES in fact have those letters just for us. So I'm hoping sharing them with you and your mama will give you joy also.

Know that we love you, Little One, and 'tho we pine for the time we could have had together, we rejoice in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father's plan for us is Perfect and our spirits shall meet again in His time.

Hugs and Kisses Galore! Grandma

Your Due Date

Baby Mine,

Sorry I didn't write on your due date.  But you already know I thought about you the whole day... the whole week actually.  Mommy and Daddy had a nice time on their vacation, just spending time together without the distractions of the rest of life.  It's strange to be on this side.  No longer can I say "If I were still pregnant I would be..."  Last year, when we reached your big brother/sister's due date I was already pregnant again with you and that was such a huge comfort.  We didn't have that with you.  For the first time in 16 months I am neither pregnant nor suppossed to have been pregnant.

It's crazy sitting here in my quiet, empty house, looking at the spare room that never got cleaned out to become your nursery, not being crazy-tired like I should be or listening for every little sound coming from you as you sleep. 

Oh little one, I do miss you.  I miss what could have been, what should have been.

And I love you...

~to the moon

mommy

Nadia … it’s Grandma. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come with Mommy & Daddy to your memorial service. I know you know that Grandma thinks about you often, but maybe I should tell Mommy, huh? Grandma doesn’t get on the computer much and Mommy and I don’t have much time to talk about her personal stuff. Mommy has been real strong in stepping up to the plate and helping with Aunt Johnna and Uncle Dan, so usually if Mommy and I have time together, it has to do with something else. Plus, she usually tries to keep stuff from Grandma because she doesn’t want to add to Grandma’s stress. Then, another problem is Grandma has trouble expressing her personal feelings; it’s always my experience if you let go, it’s hard to get control again so I’m usually pretty quiet about things that are close to my heart. One of those things is you. Holding you in the hospital, I thought my heart would break in two. You were so tiny and so precious. I had to go out in the hallway and have a power cry before I went back to your Mom. I wanted to be strong for her – and still do. The fine line is I want her to be able to lean on me and know that I’m strong, so I try to do that; but I think sometimes my being stoic around her makes her think I don’t care. Your Mommy is never alone; not only does she have God and his angels caring for her, she has Grandma and Aunt Johnna, Daddy and Uncle Dan, and probably a lot more people Grandma doesn’t even know about. The problem is, most of us are so busy with other stuff, we forget to TELL Mommy (or show her) that we care about her and about you.

I must admit that I don’t know how all of dying and heaven and meeting again works, and I’m not supposed to know. But I DO know that God loves all of us; that He works in mysterious ways; that everything works to the good for those who love Him; that He never leaves us or forsakes us when we are His; and that there is, without a doubt, a Heaven where He waits for all of those who love Him. So, I’m planning to hold you again one day and I’ll always hold you in my heart. In the meantime, I’ll try to hold Mommy for you more often and let her know that you and I are close and that you don’t want her to grieve so much. Be a good girl; watch for us … we’ll see you in the sunshine. Love, Grandma

Memorial and Burial

Hey baby girl,

We remembered you today with several other baby loss mommies and daddies.  I hope you're making new friends with all the other lost ones.  Because I know that, more than any of us down here, you're not really lost, and that brings me such peace.  I miss you, sweetheart, today as every day.  But I hurt less than I expected to on this day and I know that you are well there and well-loved here.

Love you, to the moon

mommy

2011

I've really not been looking forward to January and February.  While I have been VERY ready to put 2010 behind me, I realize that January and February are very full of hard things.

1.  This is the time that my therapist and I decided I would try to start dealing with loosing Nadia... I could put it on the back burner for awhile because of Johnna, but with the big things in January and February I'd need to start dealing with it.
2.  At the end of January, it will be one year since loosing our first baby.
3.  The same week that marks Angel Baby's angelversary will also hold Nadia's burial and memorial service.
4.  February I will have to deal with NOT having a baby... and this time when the due date comes around, I won't have another baby inside to console me...

Donn has moved on a lot better than I have, but then I could see that coming from the beginning.  But I must admit I'm having a hard time being the only one who seems to remember Angel or Nadia.  On one of the baby loss blogs I read the woman was so afraid she'd be the only one to remember her lost baby on Christmas.  But her family remembered and got a stocking for the baby with a personalized ornaments and cards and little outfits they had bought for the baby before she lost it.  It meant a lot to her that they remembered someone who was supposed to have been there with them in their celebration was missing.  I thought it was a very sweet story.

I pick up Bittersweet every now and then and just read parts of it.  I haven't finished it all yet because I can't read it without it resonating within me and sending me into fits of tears, and I just can't afford too many of those moments right now.  But what I read today REALLY resonated...

"When something bad happens, people say the wrong things so often... But there's something worse than the things people say.  It's much worse, I think, when people say nothing... I don't believe that God's up in heaven making things go terribly wrong in our lives so that we learn better manners and better coping skills.  But I do believe in something like composting for the soul: that if you can find life out of death, if you can see the smashed up garbage to bring about something new and good, however tiny, that's one of the most beautiful things there is.
I learned to say something.  And I offer my apologies for all the times I didn't say something.  I'm really sorry about that.  For a whole bunch of not good reasons, I didn't know better then.  But I know better now.
So when there's bad news or scary news or when something falls apart, say something.  Send a note.  Send a text.  Send flowers.  And if you don't know waht to say, try this:  "I heard what happened, and I don't know what to say.""

3 months

Hey Baby Girl,

I can't believe another month has passed since you left us.  I'm sorry I haven't written more often, but holidays were crazy especially with Aunt Johnna being in the hospital most of December.  But I think about you still every day, it just hurts a bit less, and for that I'm grateful.  We're going to be doing your memorial service and burial on January 28th if all goes well.  And hopefully Daddy and I will be able to get away for the weekend that we would have been bringing you home to be with us.  So many of mommy's friends are having babies and I'm so glad for them.  I just wish you would have been around to know them and grow up with them.

I hope you had fun up there celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him.  We were celebrating down here too, and missing you very much.  I can't wait for us all to be together again.  O Glorious Day.

Love you to the moon....

Mommy

2 Months

Hi there Nadia mine,

Yesterday was 2 months since we said goodbye to you.  It was also the thanksgiving celebration for our family.  I got to hold and play with your cousin Olivia.  I think you and she would have been great friends.  She has such amazing personality.  But I teared up every time I got to hold her.  It was bittersweet, to say the least.

I should have been 29 weeks pregnant this week.  I should be starting to feel huge and complaining about my back and my feet.  I should be working on putting your nursery together and filling out paperwork to take maternity leave and anticipating the time after Christmas rather than thinking this is going to be the longest winter ever. 

:(

I love you, baby girl.  To the moon and back,

Mommy

I don't really have a lot of faith in Doctors

I know you already know this, but you were definately a girl.  We got the records from the hospital and the autopsy (which was done by 10:00 am on the morning of the 27th!!) clearly showed you had a normal uterus, et. al.  It's nice to know that had you been born you wouldn't have had all these reproductive issues that mommy has.  And to know for sure that you are my Nadia is a relief.  I can't believe no doctor mentioned this to me, espeically so I could have completed the death certificate before we left the hospital.  It's frustrating...

NaBloPoMo

I've been doing National Blog Posting Month at my regular, every day blog.  If you happen upon here and get confused about something because I'm only referencing a certain part of my life here, head over there... http://pagesofunknown.wordpress.com/

Never too Small to Leave Footprints on Our Hearts