Hey, Nadia ... good tidings to you, our little sunbeam. I noted your mama's last post to you; she misses you very much (and always will ... I lost your Uncle Jon over 28 yrs ago and I still miss him, but it's better than at first); but she's also getting better at moving forward with this life down here. The only thing that keeps us going is the knowledge that you are in a wonderful place with our Heavenly Father.

I love the way your mama writes to you as though you understand as a grown up and, because you are with our Father, you probably know WAY more about everything than we know about anything! (I spoke to your mother as tho she was a grownup when she was a baby!) But, because I agree with her that you understand and because I believe both of you understand me, I want to share the following with you (some time ago, God led me to this little book called "A Pocketful of Promises for Women" and it has letters from God, based on things from His Word):

(Re Loss)

"My Precious Child ...

During this difficult time of loss, do not think you are alone. I am with you in your sadness. I want to carry you in your sorrow. You don't have to put on a brave face. Please come to me in your pain because I long to hold you and comfort you. I am as close to you as your breath. I love you dearly.

Your Heavenly Father"

Jeremiah 31:13
I will comfort them and turn their sorrow into happiness.
Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because he has inclined His ear to me, therefore, I will call upon him as long as I live.

(Re Future)

"My Daughter ..

I have wonderfully planned your future, and I have filled your life with potential and purpose. My prayer is that you would look to your future with as much pleasure and expection as I do. My plans are for you to succeed and bring into existence all you were destined for.

Hope with earnest expectation for all I have for you. Your future is in My hands and it can happen as I have dreamed. I love you.

Almighty God"

Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Habakkuk 2:3
At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time, but keep on waiting - it will happen!

Psalm 23:6
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

If I imagine that the letter is really from God and directly to me, it gives me joy, especially since I know the Bible DOES in fact have those letters just for us. So I'm hoping sharing them with you and your mama will give you joy also.

Know that we love you, Little One, and 'tho we pine for the time we could have had together, we rejoice in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father's plan for us is Perfect and our spirits shall meet again in His time.

Hugs and Kisses Galore! Grandma

Your Due Date

Baby Mine,

Sorry I didn't write on your due date.  But you already know I thought about you the whole day... the whole week actually.  Mommy and Daddy had a nice time on their vacation, just spending time together without the distractions of the rest of life.  It's strange to be on this side.  No longer can I say "If I were still pregnant I would be..."  Last year, when we reached your big brother/sister's due date I was already pregnant again with you and that was such a huge comfort.  We didn't have that with you.  For the first time in 16 months I am neither pregnant nor suppossed to have been pregnant.

It's crazy sitting here in my quiet, empty house, looking at the spare room that never got cleaned out to become your nursery, not being crazy-tired like I should be or listening for every little sound coming from you as you sleep. 

Oh little one, I do miss you.  I miss what could have been, what should have been.

And I love you...

~to the moon

mommy

Nadia … it’s Grandma. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come with Mommy & Daddy to your memorial service. I know you know that Grandma thinks about you often, but maybe I should tell Mommy, huh? Grandma doesn’t get on the computer much and Mommy and I don’t have much time to talk about her personal stuff. Mommy has been real strong in stepping up to the plate and helping with Aunt Johnna and Uncle Dan, so usually if Mommy and I have time together, it has to do with something else. Plus, she usually tries to keep stuff from Grandma because she doesn’t want to add to Grandma’s stress. Then, another problem is Grandma has trouble expressing her personal feelings; it’s always my experience if you let go, it’s hard to get control again so I’m usually pretty quiet about things that are close to my heart. One of those things is you. Holding you in the hospital, I thought my heart would break in two. You were so tiny and so precious. I had to go out in the hallway and have a power cry before I went back to your Mom. I wanted to be strong for her – and still do. The fine line is I want her to be able to lean on me and know that I’m strong, so I try to do that; but I think sometimes my being stoic around her makes her think I don’t care. Your Mommy is never alone; not only does she have God and his angels caring for her, she has Grandma and Aunt Johnna, Daddy and Uncle Dan, and probably a lot more people Grandma doesn’t even know about. The problem is, most of us are so busy with other stuff, we forget to TELL Mommy (or show her) that we care about her and about you.

I must admit that I don’t know how all of dying and heaven and meeting again works, and I’m not supposed to know. But I DO know that God loves all of us; that He works in mysterious ways; that everything works to the good for those who love Him; that He never leaves us or forsakes us when we are His; and that there is, without a doubt, a Heaven where He waits for all of those who love Him. So, I’m planning to hold you again one day and I’ll always hold you in my heart. In the meantime, I’ll try to hold Mommy for you more often and let her know that you and I are close and that you don’t want her to grieve so much. Be a good girl; watch for us … we’ll see you in the sunshine. Love, Grandma

Memorial and Burial

Hey baby girl,

We remembered you today with several other baby loss mommies and daddies.  I hope you're making new friends with all the other lost ones.  Because I know that, more than any of us down here, you're not really lost, and that brings me such peace.  I miss you, sweetheart, today as every day.  But I hurt less than I expected to on this day and I know that you are well there and well-loved here.

Love you, to the moon

mommy

2011

I've really not been looking forward to January and February.  While I have been VERY ready to put 2010 behind me, I realize that January and February are very full of hard things.

1.  This is the time that my therapist and I decided I would try to start dealing with loosing Nadia... I could put it on the back burner for awhile because of Johnna, but with the big things in January and February I'd need to start dealing with it.
2.  At the end of January, it will be one year since loosing our first baby.
3.  The same week that marks Angel Baby's angelversary will also hold Nadia's burial and memorial service.
4.  February I will have to deal with NOT having a baby... and this time when the due date comes around, I won't have another baby inside to console me...

Donn has moved on a lot better than I have, but then I could see that coming from the beginning.  But I must admit I'm having a hard time being the only one who seems to remember Angel or Nadia.  On one of the baby loss blogs I read the woman was so afraid she'd be the only one to remember her lost baby on Christmas.  But her family remembered and got a stocking for the baby with a personalized ornaments and cards and little outfits they had bought for the baby before she lost it.  It meant a lot to her that they remembered someone who was supposed to have been there with them in their celebration was missing.  I thought it was a very sweet story.

I pick up Bittersweet every now and then and just read parts of it.  I haven't finished it all yet because I can't read it without it resonating within me and sending me into fits of tears, and I just can't afford too many of those moments right now.  But what I read today REALLY resonated...

"When something bad happens, people say the wrong things so often... But there's something worse than the things people say.  It's much worse, I think, when people say nothing... I don't believe that God's up in heaven making things go terribly wrong in our lives so that we learn better manners and better coping skills.  But I do believe in something like composting for the soul: that if you can find life out of death, if you can see the smashed up garbage to bring about something new and good, however tiny, that's one of the most beautiful things there is.
I learned to say something.  And I offer my apologies for all the times I didn't say something.  I'm really sorry about that.  For a whole bunch of not good reasons, I didn't know better then.  But I know better now.
So when there's bad news or scary news or when something falls apart, say something.  Send a note.  Send a text.  Send flowers.  And if you don't know waht to say, try this:  "I heard what happened, and I don't know what to say.""

3 months

Hey Baby Girl,

I can't believe another month has passed since you left us.  I'm sorry I haven't written more often, but holidays were crazy especially with Aunt Johnna being in the hospital most of December.  But I think about you still every day, it just hurts a bit less, and for that I'm grateful.  We're going to be doing your memorial service and burial on January 28th if all goes well.  And hopefully Daddy and I will be able to get away for the weekend that we would have been bringing you home to be with us.  So many of mommy's friends are having babies and I'm so glad for them.  I just wish you would have been around to know them and grow up with them.

I hope you had fun up there celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him.  We were celebrating down here too, and missing you very much.  I can't wait for us all to be together again.  O Glorious Day.

Love you to the moon....

Mommy

2 Months

Hi there Nadia mine,

Yesterday was 2 months since we said goodbye to you.  It was also the thanksgiving celebration for our family.  I got to hold and play with your cousin Olivia.  I think you and she would have been great friends.  She has such amazing personality.  But I teared up every time I got to hold her.  It was bittersweet, to say the least.

I should have been 29 weeks pregnant this week.  I should be starting to feel huge and complaining about my back and my feet.  I should be working on putting your nursery together and filling out paperwork to take maternity leave and anticipating the time after Christmas rather than thinking this is going to be the longest winter ever. 

:(

I love you, baby girl.  To the moon and back,

Mommy

I don't really have a lot of faith in Doctors

I know you already know this, but you were definately a girl.  We got the records from the hospital and the autopsy (which was done by 10:00 am on the morning of the 27th!!) clearly showed you had a normal uterus, et. al.  It's nice to know that had you been born you wouldn't have had all these reproductive issues that mommy has.  And to know for sure that you are my Nadia is a relief.  I can't believe no doctor mentioned this to me, espeically so I could have completed the death certificate before we left the hospital.  It's frustrating...

NaBloPoMo

I've been doing National Blog Posting Month at my regular, every day blog.  If you happen upon here and get confused about something because I'm only referencing a certain part of my life here, head over there... http://pagesofunknown.wordpress.com/

Never too Small to Leave Footprints on Our Hearts

On things that help and things that don't

When I started this blog it helped me so much reading the stories of women who had lost a baby and been in my shoes.  But now, as I read the blogs of women who are still struggling with the loss, I find myself somewhat angry.  They bring up the holidays and how hard that will be not being pregnant or not having their baby or they bring up what they are or aren't doing in order to deal with the grief.  And I get angry that I'm going into the holidays not pregnant and scared out of my mind that after loosing Nadia, I'm going to loose Johnna, too.  I would never, EVER say that a woman who's gone through the agony of a baby loss has any type of perfect life, but I can't help but be jealous of the fact that they can dwell on their loss or can grieve because they aren't going through something as equally or more traumatic within weeks of their loss... life doesn't slow down for anyone, but this stacking of crap upon crap?  It's pissing me off...

One Month

Nadia, baby mine...

I'm so sorry I missed talking to your on your one month angelversary... mommy's been so busy this week.  With trying to get back into the work mode, all the issues with your aunt Johnna and the minor-but-important issues with your uncle Dan this week has been one major thing after another.  But I hope you know that doesn't mean that I didn't think about you almost every other thought on Wednesday... like I do most days anyway.

I love you so much and miss you every day.

To the moon and back again,

Mommy

It's been 4 weeks

Hey there Little One,

We found out today that they couldn't do the chromosonal testing because they couldn't grow out the chromosones.  They didn't get to you in time to get them.  So we're going with the visable signs that you were a girl... I think your big brother/sister will forever remain Angel Baby, but you, forever shall be Nadia Anne Hamilton.

I found out about your tests after having a rather emotional appointment with your Aunt Johnna.  The tests from last week show that the cancer is back and not just in her lungs.  She has to go into the hospital tomorrow for a chest tube for the plural effusion.  It was not a good day in regards to news from doctors for us today...

I had braced myself for not getting answers from the chromosonal testing.  But I didn't expect they would not even been able to try.  And it didn't occur to me that they wouldn't be able to tell me 100% that my little girl is my little girl.  I miss you so much, little one.  So much my heart literally aches... I can't handle the hurt right now.  I have to focus on Aunt Johnna.  I hope you understand.  And I hope that I can stay sane through all this. 

I love you to the moon and back again,

Mommy

Update

I'm struggling today with a lot of things...

1.  My cousin had her baby.  I'm SO happy for her, but everytime I see a new picture or update my heart aches so badly.  I really want to hold and dress and feed and love on my little one...

2.  Pregnant friends are finding out genders and posting about how difficult or non-difficult pregnanies are, and my heart aches every time.

3.  With Johnna's cancer back, it gives me something else to focus on.  And I'm conflicted about that, because in a way I see that as a good thing... how much does THAT suck...

Hey there Little One

Hey there Little One,

Mommy's missing you a lot today.  I only have a week and a half to get my head back on straight before I have to go to work.  And I've been really trying hard to get there.  But today your Aunt Johnna went into the hospital.  They're afraid that her cancer has had more metastasises in her lungs.  She's in a lot of pain and it makes me so very sad.  And Grandma has spent more time in the hospital than anyone should in the last few weeks, especially when she's not being able to do much to help.  And she's probably going to lose her new job because of all this.

If  you could mention to God up there that I'm humbled He has such faith in what I, and the rest of our family, can handle. I'd appreciate it.  But really, I most need Him to know that we all still need Aunt Johnna down here still.  That would be amazing.

I love you angel baby and I can't wait to hold you once again.  Know I will always hold you in my heart.

Love

Mommy

Names

I realize that I haven't really spoken about the meaning of this blog's name.  It's actually a combination of the two names we have picked out for the baby.  Since we don't have a name until the chromosonal testing confirms that she's a girl, we had both a girl name and a boy named picked out.  Neither is the name we had picked out for the baby as both of those names have significant familial meaning and we didn't want to use those names and have them forever connected to our dead baby.  So we picked out some names that had meaning for the situation we were going through. 

Nadia Anne:  Nadia has always been in my list of names for girls I like.  Nadia means "hope".  Anne is a family name.
Dominic Davis:  Dominic means "belongs to God" and as we knew that from the very moment our child entered the world s/he would belong to God it was perfect.  Davis is a family name.

Thus the name of this blog.  Whether it's a boy or girl, the fact of the matter is s/he was a hope for us and s/he now belongs to God.  Whether I want that or not, whether I except that every moment of every day or not...

Hard to Get

It should come to no surpise to anyone who knows me that I struggle a lot with God and He gets a LOT of my anger.  But I know He can handle it...

A fellow BLM, Leslie, posted some very comforting scriptures on her blog and I found that reassuring today.  I haven't had the energy (or the lack of being angry) to pick up my own bible yet since all of this has happened.

And another thing that helps keep me going:

Hard to Get (Rich Mullens)

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Rough day today

Ben Folds has a new album out... I love Ben Folds.  We took a drive in the country yesterday to listen to it.  We had heard a couple of the songs introduced last year at a concert we went to.  Nick Hornby has written the lyrics for this album, and, while I don't know Hornby's writing very well, I'm not very impressed with the lyrics.  Some of the songs are funny and sarcastic Ben Folds.  But the prettiest one musically is one I absolutely hate because of the lyrics.  Picture Window is such a depressing song that I can't stand to let Donn play it.

But today in the car on the way back from the doctor's office, I started thinking, maybe in some cases the lyrics are right?  Maybe, in some cases, hope really is a bastard, a liar, a cheat and a tease...

We went for our first followup today.  Pathology from the D and C revealed what we already knew:  just left over birth product.  Pathology from the autopsy showed no visable abnormalities with the baby.  Doctor noted visibly a girl, but not declaring that until chromosonal testing comes back.  And I'm praying the chromonsonal testing shows that something was wrong with baby.  How wrong is that?  Because the only other thing noted in the autoposy pathology is that the placenta did not show the same gestational age as the baby... that the placenta wasn't sufficient enough, wasn't getting the baby enough blood... an it's most probable that this was a result of my uteran malformation... My broken body may have actually killed my babies.  I'm not sure I can handle that..

The God of All Comfort

I still haven't made it a day without crying.  But I've also started noticing laughter in my life again.  And I'm taking that as a step in the right direction.

I was talking with my mother tonight about how I best handle grief, sadness or other trouble.  We both agreed that writing is theraputic for me, but unlike others, like her, who can simply journal for themselves, I've always needed to write for an audience.  Thus a blog is a perfect way for me to write to find comfort and peace.

Another thing we discussed is that I'm probably this way because I find most comfort and peace when my struggles can help others through their struggles.  And while I'm definitely not anywhere close to feeling like I can help anyone but myself at the moment, I found this verse very comforting tonight. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (New International Version)
 ³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ⁵For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I'm struggling very hard with not placing blame or anger on God.  I still struggle with a God who created me so brokenly.  I struggle with guilt that my selfishness in wanting to be a mommy so badly is killing these babies who just can't survive in my broken body.  I'm trying hard to reconcile this longing that I have so deeply in my soul to carry a little one of my own with what my body is actually capable of, even though doctors can't tell me for certain whether I'm just a little broken or a lot broken or broken beyond repair.   I've felt so far from God lately, even before the loss of Angel Baby and little Nadia/Dominic (seriously SOOO ready to know if my LO was a boy or girl!!!!!!!), really I guess since my twin's cancer showed up.  And that doesn't make it any easier to deal with these feelings of blame and anger.  But I find hope in the fact that I know in my innermost being (in the place where I find my purpose, my reason for being and my identity, not that place where I am a crazy mess) that He is my strength, my protector, my comforter, and my healer, not the reason for my sadness.

My Blog Roll

I don't know how you happened upon my blog.  Whether you follow me on my normal blog or if you were doing a search or if you, too, are struggling with loosing a child to miscarriage, still birth or early infant loss.  But I highly recommend the blogs in my blog roll if you in the last category (or in the first and want to more fully understand where I am).  It is so reassuring to know there are others out there who understand these emotions going through me that make me feel like I'm completely insane and unhinged and everyone of their stories has touched me.