I've really not been looking forward to January and February. While I have been VERY ready to put 2010 behind me, I realize that January and February are very full of hard things.
1. This is the time that my therapist and I decided I would try to start dealing with loosing Nadia... I could put it on the back burner for awhile because of Johnna, but with the big things in January and February I'd need to start dealing with it.
2. At the end of January, it will be one year since loosing our first baby.
3. The same week that marks Angel Baby's angelversary will also hold Nadia's burial and memorial service.
4. February I will have to deal with NOT having a baby... and this time when the due date comes around, I won't have another baby inside to console me...
Donn has moved on a lot better than I have, but then I could see that coming from the beginning. But I must admit I'm having a hard time being the only one who seems to remember Angel or Nadia. On one of the baby loss blogs I read the woman was so afraid she'd be the only one to remember her lost baby on Christmas. But her family remembered and got a stocking for the baby with a personalized ornaments and cards and little outfits they had bought for the baby before she lost it. It meant a lot to her that they remembered someone who was supposed to have been there with them in their celebration was missing. I thought it was a very sweet story.
I pick up Bittersweet every now and then and just read parts of it. I haven't finished it all yet because I can't read it without it resonating within me and sending me into fits of tears, and I just can't afford too many of those moments right now. But what I read today REALLY resonated...
"When something bad happens, people say the wrong things so often... But there's something worse than the things people say. It's much worse, I think, when people say nothing... I don't believe that God's up in heaven making things go terribly wrong in our lives so that we learn better manners and better coping skills. But I do believe in something like composting for the soul: that if you can find life out of death, if you can see the smashed up garbage to bring about something new and good, however tiny, that's one of the most beautiful things there is.
I learned to say something. And I offer my apologies for all the times I didn't say something. I'm really sorry about that. For a whole bunch of not good reasons, I didn't know better then. But I know better now.
So when there's bad news or scary news or when something falls apart, say something. Send a note. Send a text. Send flowers. And if you don't know waht to say, try this: "I heard what happened, and I don't know what to say.""
