Hey Baby Girl,
I can't believe another month has passed since you left us. I'm sorry I haven't written more often, but holidays were crazy especially with Aunt Johnna being in the hospital most of December. But I think about you still every day, it just hurts a bit less, and for that I'm grateful. We're going to be doing your memorial service and burial on January 28th if all goes well. And hopefully Daddy and I will be able to get away for the weekend that we would have been bringing you home to be with us. So many of mommy's friends are having babies and I'm so glad for them. I just wish you would have been around to know them and grow up with them.
I hope you had fun up there celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him. We were celebrating down here too, and missing you very much. I can't wait for us all to be together again. O Glorious Day.
Love you to the moon....
Mommy
Well, I had a positive pregnancy test last night (and another one this morning that I did just for good measure). I used one of those digital ones that actually say “not pregnant” or “pregnant” and it said “pregnant both times. I was pretty sure with the first one, but I’m 99% sure now. I already had an appointment scheduled with my general practitioner tomorrow, so I’ll have him confirm. I have an ultrasound and appointment scheduled with my ob/gyn on the morning of December 16th as well.
Donnie thought that was awfully early for an ultrasound, however I’ll be “high risk” throughout the pregnancy because of my bicornuate uterus. (updated: after a surgery in April 2010 it was discovered that I actually have a uterus didelphys, or a full double uterus) I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared OUT OF MY MIND! I’ve been feeling very crampy already and totally emotional. I’m trying very hard not to get attached at this point because I went into this trying to conceive part of the process knowing the risks. But I didn’t realize it would be totally different when the time actually came…
**************************
Posted January 26, 2010
Today was a sad day
Donnie thought that was awfully early for an ultrasound, however I’ll be “high risk” throughout the pregnancy because of my bicornuate uterus. (updated: after a surgery in April 2010 it was discovered that I actually have a uterus didelphys, or a full double uterus) I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared OUT OF MY MIND! I’ve been feeling very crampy already and totally emotional. I’m trying very hard not to get attached at this point because I went into this trying to conceive part of the process knowing the risks. But I didn’t realize it would be totally different when the time actually came…
**************************
Posted January 26, 2010
Today was a sad day
We just did a d&c. The baby apparently stopped developing and the heartbeat stopped between 8 and 9 weeks. I’m better than I thought I would be 
All things for a reason. We’ll try again. They don’t think it really had anything to do with the bicornuate, but more just to do with some chromosonal abnormality at conception. So it will be okay.
*************************
Posted January 31, 2010
I Believe, But…
Oh what I’d give for a hundred years!
But the physical interferes
Every day more–O my Creator!
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that’s falling apart?
A serious flaw–I hope You know that
-Eva “Waltz for Eva and Che”- Evita, Andrew Lloyd Webber
Sometimes I wish I weren’t a thinking, rational human being. Sometimes I wish I could just happily and simply take everthing told to me on faith as truth and not have to struggle with them or over analyze them or face the disappointment of questions unanswered.
Thankfully, that’s only sometimes. Most of the time I realize that that line of thinking will just get me in trouble because there are too many bad influences and bad people out there just to simply trust everything. So generally I’m glad to be able to think for myself.
But it doesn’t lessen my frustrations with questions.
My current struggle is God’s presence or culpabilty in bad situations. I thought I was pretty good with the whole idea that God is good, so God is never the cause of bad things but He does allow consequences which means that sometimes bad things happen and He’s there to help us find the good in the bad situations. I was just getting to the point where I was okay with that and trusting that again.
So why the heck and hades do things happen that would bring me back down from that place again? I’m so frustrated. I’m okay with faith being purified in fire, I’m just not sure I have the strength for it at the moment. I know some will say all this is simply a consequence of doing things out of God’s time and God’s order, but I’m not really questioning the loss of my little one. I”m absolutely heartbroken and it’s going to take time to get over and move on. But I know I’ll be able to do that.
I question where things go from here. I question a God that’s all good and all powerful could mess me up so badly. I hurt so badly because just when I think I’m getitng back to a place where I feel I can trust God again, that trust appears to be broken again…Because timing and order doesn’t change the fact that I’m seriously flawed, and I didn’t make any choices or decisions to become that way. I was MADE that way.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13 NLT
For years I believed that my sexual shortcomings , both emotional and physical, had to do with the abuse I suffered at the hands of male family members when I was younger. And it hurt so bad getting over that and moving on. And I know I haven’t don’t that fully, or even close to fully, but I have forgiven and worked on moving forward.
Years ago I also found out that that my body was physical imperfect as well as emotionally imperfect. And this week I found out it’s even more messed up than we realized, to the point of being practically unfunctional.
How does that work? I know I’m not the only one like this. I know there are parents out there who have special needs children and adults out there who have hearts that aren’t right and kidneys that need machines to work and so forth. And I know that some of these things are caused by others actions, such as mother’s drug use during pregnancy, etc. But I know other things are uncontrolable, such as with my condition. Simply chromosomes that are messed up at the point of conception, at the point of being “knit together.” How can God NOT have a part in that if it’s true that He’s the one doing the building and creating? If He’s the master architect or the primary potter who else is to blame when there are design flaws? How is it possible to reconcile a diety of pure goodness who creates such flawed creatures?
Because, let me tell you, it’s hard for me to keep towing the party line, to keep repeating the “God is in control” mantra… to trust that his plan really is the best… because I really can’t figure out how my flawed body is “best” for anyone…
that “blind faith” part of me is seriously flawed as well…
Jesus, I do know there is a reason. I do know you are in control. I do know that you are big enough even when I am fallen down so small. “I believe; but help my unbelief”
**************************
Posted February 6, 2010
It’s in the water
So many people I know are currently pregnant or just had a baby. SO. Many.
When you understand that 18%-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, I guess it’s understandable that not all of them would make it… and I guess since my risk was higher anyway, I’m glad it was me, who was a bit more prepared with the statistics, than someone else. Most women don’t know that the risk of miscarriage is so high… not generally in all the “congratualations” and paperwork, you know?
Some days I laugh and find joy in seeing babies (because I see them everywhere, even more than the past two months and I’ve been pretty obsessed as is)… Most days though, they make me burst into tears. (note to ob/gyn offices… you shouldn’t leave a woman who just miscarried sitting in a wating room with happily pregnant women and babies all over for very long… might make them start hyperventaling… or maybe just me).
I hope I can find the joy more often than not soon. I haven’t seen Ciera or Talor since this all started. And I want to be joyful when my girlfriends have their babes in the next couple of months. I’m working on it.
I am having more good moments than bad recently, which I find hopeful. I’m still having problems understanding why the bean got to have that little heartbeat for just the few weeks though. Why give it a heartbeat at all? Why not just let it have been when the first miscarriage scare came around instead of getting my hopes up all over again? I just don’t understand.
In other news, today is my dad’s 50th birthday. I’m getting old.
**************************
Posted February 19, 2010
Discouraging news today
All things for a reason. We’ll try again. They don’t think it really had anything to do with the bicornuate, but more just to do with some chromosonal abnormality at conception. So it will be okay.*************************
Posted January 31, 2010
I Believe, But…
Oh what I’d give for a hundred years!
But the physical interferes
Every day more–O my Creator!
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that’s falling apart?
A serious flaw–I hope You know that
-Eva “Waltz for Eva and Che”- Evita, Andrew Lloyd Webber
Sometimes I wish I weren’t a thinking, rational human being. Sometimes I wish I could just happily and simply take everthing told to me on faith as truth and not have to struggle with them or over analyze them or face the disappointment of questions unanswered.
Thankfully, that’s only sometimes. Most of the time I realize that that line of thinking will just get me in trouble because there are too many bad influences and bad people out there just to simply trust everything. So generally I’m glad to be able to think for myself.
But it doesn’t lessen my frustrations with questions.
My current struggle is God’s presence or culpabilty in bad situations. I thought I was pretty good with the whole idea that God is good, so God is never the cause of bad things but He does allow consequences which means that sometimes bad things happen and He’s there to help us find the good in the bad situations. I was just getting to the point where I was okay with that and trusting that again.
So why the heck and hades do things happen that would bring me back down from that place again? I’m so frustrated. I’m okay with faith being purified in fire, I’m just not sure I have the strength for it at the moment. I know some will say all this is simply a consequence of doing things out of God’s time and God’s order, but I’m not really questioning the loss of my little one. I”m absolutely heartbroken and it’s going to take time to get over and move on. But I know I’ll be able to do that.
I question where things go from here. I question a God that’s all good and all powerful could mess me up so badly. I hurt so badly because just when I think I’m getitng back to a place where I feel I can trust God again, that trust appears to be broken again…Because timing and order doesn’t change the fact that I’m seriously flawed, and I didn’t make any choices or decisions to become that way. I was MADE that way.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13 NLT
For years I believed that my sexual shortcomings , both emotional and physical, had to do with the abuse I suffered at the hands of male family members when I was younger. And it hurt so bad getting over that and moving on. And I know I haven’t don’t that fully, or even close to fully, but I have forgiven and worked on moving forward.
Years ago I also found out that that my body was physical imperfect as well as emotionally imperfect. And this week I found out it’s even more messed up than we realized, to the point of being practically unfunctional.
How does that work? I know I’m not the only one like this. I know there are parents out there who have special needs children and adults out there who have hearts that aren’t right and kidneys that need machines to work and so forth. And I know that some of these things are caused by others actions, such as mother’s drug use during pregnancy, etc. But I know other things are uncontrolable, such as with my condition. Simply chromosomes that are messed up at the point of conception, at the point of being “knit together.” How can God NOT have a part in that if it’s true that He’s the one doing the building and creating? If He’s the master architect or the primary potter who else is to blame when there are design flaws? How is it possible to reconcile a diety of pure goodness who creates such flawed creatures?
Because, let me tell you, it’s hard for me to keep towing the party line, to keep repeating the “God is in control” mantra… to trust that his plan really is the best… because I really can’t figure out how my flawed body is “best” for anyone…
that “blind faith” part of me is seriously flawed as well…
Jesus, I do know there is a reason. I do know you are in control. I do know that you are big enough even when I am fallen down so small. “I believe; but help my unbelief”
**************************
Posted February 6, 2010
It’s in the water
So many people I know are currently pregnant or just had a baby. SO. Many.
When you understand that 18%-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, I guess it’s understandable that not all of them would make it… and I guess since my risk was higher anyway, I’m glad it was me, who was a bit more prepared with the statistics, than someone else. Most women don’t know that the risk of miscarriage is so high… not generally in all the “congratualations” and paperwork, you know?
Some days I laugh and find joy in seeing babies (because I see them everywhere, even more than the past two months and I’ve been pretty obsessed as is)… Most days though, they make me burst into tears. (note to ob/gyn offices… you shouldn’t leave a woman who just miscarried sitting in a wating room with happily pregnant women and babies all over for very long… might make them start hyperventaling… or maybe just me).
I hope I can find the joy more often than not soon. I haven’t seen Ciera or Talor since this all started. And I want to be joyful when my girlfriends have their babes in the next couple of months. I’m working on it.
I am having more good moments than bad recently, which I find hopeful. I’m still having problems understanding why the bean got to have that little heartbeat for just the few weeks though. Why give it a heartbeat at all? Why not just let it have been when the first miscarriage scare came around instead of getting my hopes up all over again? I just don’t understand.
In other news, today is my dad’s 50th birthday. I’m getting old.
**************************
Posted February 19, 2010
Discouraging news today
I had a follow up appointment today and found out that they’re going to send me to a specialist because my doctor feels that we’ll go through several more miscarriages before we’re successful, and that’s if we’ll EVER be successful. She feels we were lucky to have lost this one so early since I have a much higher risk of loosing around 18-24 weeks 
I feel quite discouraged today. She brought up adoption, which Donn and I have talked about before, but it’s just not the same and not something I’m feeling very receptive to today.
We’ll see what the specialist says. My doctor has one patient (out of her several with this condition) who has been able to carry full-term. A fertility specialist removed one of the uteruses, though my doctor’s not sure how much that helped. It doesn’ always.
Praying hard today.
I feel quite discouraged today. She brought up adoption, which Donn and I have talked about before, but it’s just not the same and not something I’m feeling very receptive to today.We’ll see what the specialist says. My doctor has one patient (out of her several with this condition) who has been able to carry full-term. A fertility specialist removed one of the uteruses, though my doctor’s not sure how much that helped. It doesn’ always.
Praying hard today.