I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you

It drives me nuts that I still don’t have the pictures of my little one from the hospital.  It also drives me nuts that I don’t know whether s/he is little Nadia or Dominic.  I’m also feeling badly that angel baby doesn’t have a name like her little sister or brother does.  But it just didn’t seem logical or productive to give a baby we lost at 10 weeks a name.  It wasn’t anything like this loss.  I didn’t have to give birth to the bean, they just put me to sleep and took it.  This time I had contractions; my water broke; I had to push her out of me; they took footprints of her and dressed her in a little outfit and swaddled her so sweethly.  I saw her face, and her little hands and feet and long legs and arms and held her close and sung her lullabies as I tried to figure out what happened, why her heart would simply stop.

And I am SOO upset that I was so sick afterwards.  That I was so out of it when I got to hold her, that she was taken away too soon because they were worried about loosing me.  That I won’t ever get to hold her or see her again.  And I’m so angry about that.

I’m not sure Donnie knows what to do with me.  He is of course grieving differently than I am.  He hadn’t yet gotten to feel her push against my belly.  He had just begun to join me in talking to her about all the plans we had for her, for us, for our family.  He wants so badly to help me, but I can’t tell him how to.  I don’t even know myself.

I’m so scared of everything right now.  I”m scared that I’m going to loose my mother or my sister or someone else close to me.  I’m afraid I’m never going to be a mother, that I’m never going to feel safe or normal again.  In short, I am completely freaking out.  And I don’t know how to stop…

I WILL CARRY YOU
Selah

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you