The God of All Comfort

I still haven't made it a day without crying.  But I've also started noticing laughter in my life again.  And I'm taking that as a step in the right direction.

I was talking with my mother tonight about how I best handle grief, sadness or other trouble.  We both agreed that writing is theraputic for me, but unlike others, like her, who can simply journal for themselves, I've always needed to write for an audience.  Thus a blog is a perfect way for me to write to find comfort and peace.

Another thing we discussed is that I'm probably this way because I find most comfort and peace when my struggles can help others through their struggles.  And while I'm definitely not anywhere close to feeling like I can help anyone but myself at the moment, I found this verse very comforting tonight. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (New International Version)
 ³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ⁵For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I'm struggling very hard with not placing blame or anger on God.  I still struggle with a God who created me so brokenly.  I struggle with guilt that my selfishness in wanting to be a mommy so badly is killing these babies who just can't survive in my broken body.  I'm trying hard to reconcile this longing that I have so deeply in my soul to carry a little one of my own with what my body is actually capable of, even though doctors can't tell me for certain whether I'm just a little broken or a lot broken or broken beyond repair.   I've felt so far from God lately, even before the loss of Angel Baby and little Nadia/Dominic (seriously SOOO ready to know if my LO was a boy or girl!!!!!!!), really I guess since my twin's cancer showed up.  And that doesn't make it any easier to deal with these feelings of blame and anger.  But I find hope in the fact that I know in my innermost being (in the place where I find my purpose, my reason for being and my identity, not that place where I am a crazy mess) that He is my strength, my protector, my comforter, and my healer, not the reason for my sadness.